Monday, February 12, 2007

You spin me right round

I won't bore you with the reasons why, all you need to know is that I've ended up spending a couple of hours this evening watching the Dead or Alive movie. And since that's kind of to do with games, I thought I may as well try and scrape an update out of it.

So let's begin, shall we?

Kasumi looks a bit funny, and has managed to sneak a backpack-cum-handglider into the palace on top of a very large cliff. The Ayane actress looks familiar (I hope it doesn't turn out she's been in porn now I've typed that). If you're a big fan of Earl's wife then there's plenty of bikini action to keep you happy.

The next scene with Holly Valance as Christie was a bit corrupted on my rental DVD. I'm not suggesting that's because it's the bit most likely to have been watched over and over in agonising slo-mo, frame stepping along to try and catch a peak of nipple (and that's certainly not what I did and you can't prove otherwise) but the only other bit of the DVD that messed up was a later fight with Christie in the rain.

Group shot on a plane - your first glimpse at most of the fighters. Helena doesn't look right at all and apparently now rollerblades everywhere in a bikini, but I suppose a ball gown doesn't offer the t & a shots required. Bass looks smaller than I expected. Zack is spot on. Gen Fu looks like an 18 year old in an old man's clothes and wig. The two Russians are there - they look okay.

Who the hell is Max? Have they taken to inventing male characters? It turns out that yes, they have invented a load of male non-fighters to pad out the story, which is a bit odd considering how side-lined some of the existing men are. I think they were just embarassed about their Gen Fu casting.

Nice visual nod to the games with a building with hundreds of floors. They seem to have done away with the ninjas being able to teleport. Lots of the 3 main girls grunting as they climb this. Oh, and they've decided they need teamwork to get their task done in time - it's a film with a moral, nice.

The format for at least half of the film appears to be lots of bikini shots broken up with comedy Zack moments. If it continues like this it's a sure-fire 5 out of 5.

The DoA organisation, like so many companies in films, use a propriatory format for recording to media - tsch, haven't they learnt anything from Sony? See I felt it would be more relevant if I put games industry jokes into my write-up. Sorry.

Brad Wong is now very short and not drunk. No wonder he lost his only fight so quickly. The DoA tournament seems to be some kind of Big Brother-esque affair, with fights breaking out anywhere against anyone. None of the characters have shouted any racist insults yet though - that must happen later.

Hyabusa looks about 12. Oh God, and now they're trying to do story. Some guff about Hayate going missing the previous year. Isn't this DoA 3's story? It turns out the main baddy has absorbed everyone's fighting moves into some sunglasses. He seems to have overlooked the obvious flaw which proves to be his downfall, as is only proper for a villain in this sort of thing.

If I could be a character from DoA (apart from one of the women, obviously, since then all I'd do is stare at my bikini-clad self in the mirror all day) I'd be Zack. He's the only one who isn't a boring arsehole who takes his badly written lines too seriously.

I think that there was a deliberate Commando homage, which is interesting and unexpected. Unless there other films where someone is thrown through a wall onto a bed where a couple are having sex?

Genuinely funny moment with Bass thinking Tina and Christie are 'special friends'. So Zack isn't the only comedy character, then! If you do ever end up with this DVD then make sure you watch the extras, since they cut out a load of decent comedy scenes along with some of the boring obvious plot exposition.

Oh hey look they play volleyball when they're relaxing - I wonder where on earth they got the idea for that from? - and I think Hayabusa's just come. This film certainly treats some of the characters badly - there's a good chance your favourite is a really shitty fighter, looks like a child in a cheap Halloween costume, or both.

Skip to the end...

So to summarise, not as bad as I was expecting actually, and top of the heap of fighting game movies I've seen. Just the right amount of not taking itself too seriously, just the right amount of fighting, and just the right amout of lovely girls. I wouldn't buy the DVD, but I would probably watch it again if it was on telly.

Oh okay, I probably will buy the DVD.

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